To all the Boo Radley’s out there. Your time is now.
Shut-ins and reclusive hermits rejoice! You need not sneak away to the head shop under the cloak of darkness anymore. You no longer need to dress like a Mutant Ninja Turtle out on the town for a slice of pizza to purchase your bud essentials. Why? Because Hemper brings it to you.
They understand your need for solitude and heady nirvana and they will bring the goods monthly. (Queue the harps!!) Remain in your subterranean safe space for the indefinite future and tack blurbs about corporate mergers on your “Master Board” with pictures of the Bilderberg Group and chart their connections using yarn and frenetic looking arrows all while knowing your cannabis related needs have been taken care of in the form of a subscription.
Hemper knows you are doing important work and you need not deviate from that work to walk amongst mortals in an open setting. Allow only the postman, once per month, to deliver your premium box of paper and glass products and thank him through your periscope. Have Igor fetch your box and bring it back to you and sample the goodies so you can get back to unmasking the Illuminati in peace!